Deb is on a first date in Los Angeles. They are going to a baseball game at Dodger Stadium. The game starts at 5pm. Date and Deb are late due to Date’s car not starting. Date parks car far from stadium to avoid parking fees in the lot. They walk uphill to Stadium.
Deb notices that there are no cars driving up to the Stadium.
Deb: It’s kinda weird that we’re the only people here.
Date: Probably because the game has already started and we’re late. Sorry about my car breaking down. Guess that’s strike one for me, huh?
Deb: Ha, yeah. Actually, I think it’s more like strike two since you’re making me walk uphill in this heat.
Date: Fair enough. Okay. Strike two. I’m not worried about a strike three because you are about to have the time of your life.
Deb and Date see a man in the distance. As they get closer, Security Guard approaches them.
Security Guard: You’re either really early or really late.
Date: What do you mean?
Security Guard: You’re either here for tomorrow’s game or late for today’s game. The game was at 1:00 pm.
Date: Sh*t.
Conversation at Dodger Stadium
Deb is at Dodger Stadium. She wants to buy a hot dog but is confused by her hot dog options.
Deb: What’s the difference between a Dodger Dog and the 100% Dodger Dog?
Hot Dog Vendor: The 100% Dodger Dog has 100% traces of beef, while the Dodger Dog is all beef.
Deb: So the Dodger Dog is 100% beef?
Hot Dog Vendor: Yes.
Deb: And the 100% is 100% traces of beef? Are you sure it’s not the other way around?
Hot Dog Vendor: You might be right. I’m not sure. Which do you want?
Deb: Um. A pretzel, please.
Conversation on the LIRR
Deb is on the LIRR (Long Island Railroad). A Random Guy sits next to her. They chat.
Deb: Wow. You write novels? How cool. What genre?
Random Guy: Murder/Mystery.
Deb: Nice.
Random Guy: I just finished one. Hope to get it published. It’s about this guy who lives on Long Island. The character is kinda based on me. Anyway all of these murders start to occur. One of them happens to be a girl he had met randomly one night and felt an immediate connection with. He becomes obsessed with her, before the murder, and I guess also afterwards too. He can’t get her out of his mind after that one special conversation that they had together. Anyway, she’s killed and he tries to find out who did it. He goes crazy, well, I don’t want to spoil the ending if you ever read it…
Deb: I assure you I won’t.
Random Guy speaks very loudly and laughs. Other people on the train overhear.
Random Guy: Turns out that he killed the girl after they met and had that brief conversation. In flashbacks, the reader learns that right after their conversation; he had followed her home and beat her with a bat and some forks. Blood everywhere. He eats her to destroy the body. She tasted so good. He replays the conversation over and over and over again as he feasts on her flesh. Wow. I’m so glad I met you tonight. I feel like I can tell you anything. This has been amazing.
Random people on the train nervously make eye contact with Deb.
Random Guy: So, can I get your number?
Deb: Um.
A Random Woman, with fear in her eyes, shakes her head ‘no’ to Deb.
Conversation at the WAMU Atm on 4/11/09
It’s a Saturday night. Deb waits to use the WAMU ATM.
Girl: What does transaction cancelled mean?
Deb: Huh?
Girl: What does transaction cancelled mean?
Deb stares at the Girl.
Girl: What does transaction cancelled mean?
Deb: It means that your transaction has been cancelled.
Girl: But it didn’t give me any money.
Deb: Right, cause your transaction was cancelled.
Girl: Can you help me?
Deb: Sure.
Girl gives Deb her WAMU card.
Deb: Ok, so enter your pin.
Girl: It’s XXXX.
Deb: I’m not going to enter your pin for you.
Girl: Which one do I want to take my money out from; checking or savings?
Deb: Girl, I don’t know.
Girl: I can handle it from here.
Deb: Can you?
Conversation at the Corner of 2nd and 20th on 4/18
It’s a Saturday night. Deb walks down 2nd Ave.
Lady: Excuse me, how do you hail a cab?
Deb stares at the lady.
Lady: How do you a hail a cab?
Deb: Um, you raise your hand like this.
Lady raises her hand like Deb.
Deb: Yes, but you have to be in the street.
Deb is in 1st Grade and learning about verbs.
Yet Another Random Student: Jog.
Conversation With a Late Night Talk Show Host
Deb is at her job at a Late Night Talk Show. Her work phone rings.
Production Assistant: Late Night Talk Show Host, like, needs you , like, on set. Like, right, like, now.
As Deb gathers her things, she notices The Head Writer running down the hall frantically.
Head Writer: Deb! Late Night Talk Show Host is asking for you. Right now. Hurry. Come on.
Deb runs to set. She carries a pad/pen/script/cast and crew list/cell so that she is prepared.
On set, Late Night Talk Show Host is in a huddle with Network Execs, Studio Execs, Writers and Producers. The Stage Manager spots Deb, and pushes her in the middle of the circle. She has her pen and pad ready.
Late Night Talk Show Host: Get me a tissue.
Conversation on Broadway and 12th
Deb is in a deli buying a can of Diet Coke. A Random Girl runs into the store.
Random Girl: Where do I buy a metro card?
Deb doesn’t respond.
Random Girl: Where do I buy a metro card?
Deb looks around and realizes no-one is going to answer the girl.
Deb: You can buy one when you go down into the subway.
Random Girl: Um yah, but I need the metro card to get on the subway.
Deb: Yes, you buy it before you get on the actual subway.
Random Girl: Right.
Deb: Right.
Random Girl: Where do I buy the metro card then?
Deb looks at cashier.
Deb: Can I have straw, please?
Conversation with a Random Set-Up
Deb is at work. She receives a text from a guy she is being set-up with.
Random Set-Up: Hi, it’s Random Set-Up. Wanted 2 see if u finally wanted 2 meet. I have dinner planz 2nite but can meet late nite.
Deb doesn’t respond. She receives another text.
Random Set-Up: Look, do u want 2 meet late nite? I can find some1 else if not.
Conversation with a Drunk
Deb is at a bachelorette in the Hamptons. All of the girls wear tank tops that say “bridesmaid”.
A Drunk Random smoking a cigarette bumps into Deb and burns her wrist.
Deb: Hey, watch it.
Deb shows Drunk Random her burnt wrist.
Drunk Random: F**ck you, you b**ch.
Deb: Are you sure you want to go there?
Deb waves her arm around the bar to show the number of girls in “bridesmaid” tank tops. They’re everywhere.
Deb: I can make you hate tonight.
Conversation While Working as a Production Assistant
It is 3am. Deb is delivering tomorrow’s scripts for a TV show.
Deb gets out of her car. The door to the Random Actor’s apartment complex is locked. There is a post-it note that says “Do not leave scripts at main door”. Deb leaves script at main door.
Deb: Hi, Production Coordinator, it’s Deb, leaving you a message. It’s 3am and I have just delivered Random Actor’s script. I will now go to my next location.
Deb drives to her next location.
Deb gets out of her car and quietly walks up to Another Random Actor’s door. There is a post-it note that says “Please be quiet. Not only am I sleeping, but there is also a baby and dog sleeping”. Deb places the script under the mat. As she walks away, loud barking is heard.
Deb: Hi Production Coordinator, it’s Deb, leaving you a message. It’s 325am and I have just delivered Another Random Actor’s script. I will now go to my next location.
Deb drives to the next location.
Deb gets out of her car. The gate to the apartment complex is locked. The complex looks like Melrose Place with a pool. Deb throws script over the locked gate. As she starts to walk away, she hears a splash.
Deb: Hi Production Coordinator, it’s Deb, leaving you a message. It’s 415am and I have just delivered the Star of the TV Show’s script. I’m going home now. Also, I don’t think I’ll be coming in tomorrow.
Conversation with Alicia Silverstone
It is Deb’s first day at work at a TV show which stars Alicia Silverstone. The Executive Producer finishes his rant.
Executive Producer: …and if anybody disturbs me, they will have to look for a new job. I mean it, I don’t care if the set is on fire. Do. Not. Disturb. Me.
Executive Producer slams his office door. The phone rings and Deb answers.
Deb: Production.
Alicia Silverstone: Hi, it’s Alicia. I just got in a car accident. I don’t know if I’ll make it in. Can you tell Executive Producer?
Deb: Um
Conversation While Working as a Production Assistant
Deb is a production assistant for a tv show. Deb and the two other PA’s have decided to band together against their evil Production Coordinator. They agree to not buy her favorite drink. A PA has returned from food shopping for the office. Missing from the groceries is the Production Coordinator’s favorite drink; Tejava Unsweetened Ice Tea.
Production Coordinator abuses power and sends Deb out to look for it. Deb continues to execute the plan.
Deb drives to The Big Chill for Frozen Yogurt. As she eats, she calls Production Coordinator.
Deb: Production Coordinator, Ralph’s is out of your Tejava Unsweetened Ice Tea. You want me to go to Trader Joe’s? Um, ok.
Deb drives to the Century City Mall. As she walks around Bloomingdales, she calls Production Coordinator.
Deb: Production Coordinator, Trader Joe’s is out of your Tejava Unsweetened Ice Tea. You want me to go to Trader Joe’s by The Grove? Yes, the traffic is bad. Um, ok.
Deb drives to a nail salon. As her nails dry, she carefully calls Production Coordinator.
Deb: Production Coordinator, Trader Joe’s on 3rd and LaBrea is out of your Tejava Unsweetened Ice Tea. Are you serious? Yeah, I can figure out where that is with my Thomas Guide.
Deb drives home. As she watches Oprah, she calls Production Coordinator.
Deb: Production Coordinator, that random place in the valley doesn’t have your Tejava Unsweetened Ice Tea.
Deb returns to Production Office. Production Coordinator sends Deb out on a coffee run.
Deb is on an airplane heading back to NYC. A teenage boy sits next to her. He is reading “The Kite Runner” and devouring a big bag of Snyder’s of Hanover Honey BBQ Pretzel Pieces.
Teenage Boy eventually opens a big box of Cheez-It Baked Snack Crackers. He shovels them in his mouth.
Flight Attendant comes by with drinks. Teenage Boy asks for two Coca-Colas. He pulls out a big roll of French bread from his backpack.
Teenage boy unwraps four pieces Bubblicious Gum and jams them in his mouth. Eventually, he makes his way back to the Snyder’s of Hanover Honey BBQ Pretzel Pieces.
Flight Attendant comes by again with drinks. Teenage Boy asks for two more Coca-Colas and remembers he has a big bag of SunChips Harvest Cheddar.
Pilot: We will be touching ground in the Big Apple in about twenty minutes.
Teenage Boy frantically looks through his backpack and seat pocket.
Teenage Boy: Do you have a barf bag?
Deb: Oh my gosh. Are you going to throw-up?
Teenage Boy: No, I need to hide my snacks.
Deb gives him a look.
Teenage Boy: My mom doesn’t let me eat carbs.
Conversation with a NYC Cab Driver
Deb is in a cab that is stuck in traffic.
Deb: Excuse me, what street is coming up?
Cab Driver: This isn’t my fault, there is traffic everywhere.
Deb: Oh, I know. I just don’t have my glasses with me and I can’t read the street sign.
Cab Driver: Too much stress.
Deb: I’m not putting any stress on you, Cab Driver.
Cab Driver: Not you, in general. There is stress everywhere, you know? It’s all being placed on me.
Cab Driver pounds on his steering wheel.
Cab Driver: I’m sorry. My girlfriend just broke up with me.
Cab Driver honks horn for too long.
Deb: Um. I’m going to get out here
Conversation with a Bouncer
Deb is underage in Ithaca, NY. Her fake I.D has been taken away at a local bar. Deb goes back to the bar to see if she can get her fake from the Bouncer.
Bouncer is known throughout the town as “Big Bouncer”. Deb tries to pretend that she hasn’t been crying.
Deb: I was wondering if I could get my I.D back, Big Bouncer.
Big Bouncer: Hmmm, depends.
Deb: Depends on what?
Big Bouncer: Depends if I like what you offer me in exchange.
Big Bouncer looks Deb up and down.
Deb: I don’t have anything. I really need my I.D. back. I’m moving to Los Angeles and I can’t go without an…
Big Bouncer: I’m sure you can give me something I want.
Big Bouncer grins.
Deb: You want five dollars?
Big Bouncer: I don’t need five bucks.
Deb: Twenty? I wish I could give you more but that’s all I…
Big Bouncer: I’m not talking about money.
Big Bouncer and Deb stare at each other in silence. Big Bouncer raises his eyebrows.
Deb: Oh. Ok. I’m sorry I used a fake I.D.
Big Bouncer: I’m not asking for an apology.
Deb thinks for a bit while Big Bouncer waits.
Deb: Oh, right. I know! Can I have my I.D back, please? I can’t believe I didn’t say “please” before.
Big Bouncer: What’s wrong with you?
Conversation in Graduate School
Deb is in class. The Professor lectures about the Feminist Movement.
Professor: …some argue that the actual first feminist movement began in the 15th century…
Deb writes in her notebook - 15th century?
Professor:…but most say the first wave of feminism began and lasted from the 18th to the 20th century…
Deb scribbles down - 18th-20th first wave, feminism.
Professor: It’s important to note that…your eyebrows are beautifully shaped.
Deb looks up. Professor is staring at Random Student.
Professor: Beautifully shaped eyebrows are important as well. Moving on.
Deb returns to taking notes - make brow appointment - very important
Conversation in Graduate School
Deb is in class. The Professor lectures about Freud. He uses dating relationships as an example so the class can understand.
Professor: …so the reason you get angry with a guy, and if you want to express yourself correctly to him you could say, ”You are not treating and fufilling me the way my mother did as an infant and I need you to do that”. Of-course, I advise you not to tell him this since it will automatically ruin any chance with him. Any questions?
Every female student’s hand in class shoots up.
Professor: …about Freud. Not your love lives.
Every female student’s hand in class drops down.
Conversation on the Walk to Work
Deb is on her way to work. She is about to walk by a Grocery Store but the sidewalk is blocked by cartons from the morning food shipment. Random Employee tries to clear the way.
Random Employee: Sorry about this-a. You’ll be able to pass-a in a moment.
Deb: Don’t worry, I’m in no rush. Just on my way to work.
Random Employee slams box on the pavement.
Random Employee: I told ya it will be cleared-a in a moment. I can only move-a sofast.
Deb: Please, take your time.
Random Employee grows more and more annoyed with Deb.
Random Employee: No need-a for your attitude. I’m just doing-a my job.
Deb: I don’t have an attitude. I’m totally fine with this.
Random Employee: You sarcastic Murray Hill girls-a are all-a the same.
Deb: Ugh. I do not live in Murray Hill.
Conversation While Making Dinner Reservations
Deb calls a restaurant to make dinner reservations.
Deb: I’d like to make a reservation for two on Saturday night at 8:30.
Hostess: Name?
Deb: Deb.
Hostess: Ok great, see you then.
Deb: Actually, wait. It might be three. Can you change it to three?
Hostess: No, you will have to call back to do that. Thank you. Goodbye.
Deb calls restaurant right back. The same hostess answers phone.
Deb: Hi, yes. Um. I would like to change my reservation from two to three.
Hostess: Name the reservation is under?
Deb: Deb.
Hostess: I’m sorry we can’t do that. Can you do 8:20 instead of 8:30?
Deb: Um. I guess.
Hostess: Yes or no?
Deb: Sure. Question. What happens if we are running ten minutes late?
Hostess: Not a problem. We hold your table for at least twenty minutes.
Deb: Perfect. Thanks.
Deb is at Disney World at one of their many stores. Tables of sample toys are around the store to play with. Deb spots the “My Little Pony” table.
Deb puts pink shoes on Pinkie Pie Pony.
Deb puts a pink shiny skirt on Pinkie Pie Pony.
Pinkie Pie Pony’s hair is knotty. Deb reaches for pony hair brush. A Little Girl reaches for it as well. Deb gets it first.
Deb: Oh. Sorry. I’ll just be a sec.
Little Girl’s Mother: Give her the brush.
Deb: Um.
Little Girl’s Mother: Ma’am, this girl, I mean woman, is hogging the toys.
Disney World “My Little Pony” Table Watcher Worker: Miss, step back, the toys are for the kids to play with only.
Deb: But I thought everyone was a kid when at Disney World.
Disney World ”My Little Pony” Table Watcher Worker: No. I don’t know who told you that.
